Alpha Dominance

Ah, our societal marriage mythos.  Not being from another culture, I can’t say whether lying to ourselves is a predominately western/American trait, or if its universal.  Either way it’s ever so much fun to shine light on the unexamined corners of our culture and see what scuttles away into the shadows.

The topic here is the underlying motive for marriage, and the argument for always, always, requiring a pre-nuptial agreement before marriage.  I’m certain this is going to generate bombastic reactions and hopefully some discussion.

The first question is whether marriage makes sense.  It should be an obvious one in a nation where the divorce rate is creeping past 50% and that uses arcane divorce law that utilizes precedents set at a time when women were property, that marriage is dying, or at least in need of serious redefinition.  Most men would agree that divorce law is biased in favor of women, and in a world of no-fault divorce, your wife can leave you, take the kids, the house and half your assets, plus obtain alimony and child support while having earning potential that is on average equal to men’s (please don’t trot out that tired saw about wage disparity, it’s been disproven).  On top of this if you are married your legal paternity is guaranteed even if your wife cheats and her offspring is not your biological child.  All of this raises the question of what exactly, is in it for a man?  Why should he get married when the cards are stacked against him and he can fill any need he may have without marriage, often more readily.  Additionally, women know the gig, and most men don’t realize that the only time they have leverage to negotiate about how the relationship is going to be, is before marriage, as afterward, a woman knows her husband is going to be bent over a barrel if he tries to leave, even for a good reason like infidelity.

Well, whatever your reasons for marriage, you can hedge a lot of the risk by making it conditional on a pre-nup.  But wait, your girlfriend says it takes all the romance out of the relationship?  That you don’t trust her?  That you can’t enter the relationship anticipating problems?  Yeah, I’ll bet she does, and I’ll bet you almost believe her.  After all, she can be very convincing right?  Marriage isn’t about the money, or the legal contract, it’s all about the love, and puppies and rainbows and all that claptrap right?  Right.  Despite their protestations, I can prove here and now that you would be a head-in-the-sand raging fool if you forego the pre-nup on the presumption that it’s all about the love and that when it’s ending she can be trusted not to be vindictive.

First, as indicated above, let me explicitly state that while we men can feel love as deeply as women, we typically separate that from the decision to marry as one is emotion, and one is based on a cost/benefits analysis, as any decision made logically is.  In this case, we weigh the risks of what can go wrong with marriage against the incremental gain from marrying the woman we, in many cases, are already cohabitating with, sleeping with, etc.  The practical difference between cohabitation and marriage is that in the former if you are treated badly or things go downhill, you have just the life of your lease to worry about.  A bad marriage however, especially one longer than ten years, can result in alimony for life.

The second argument against pre-nups is that the parties marrying aren’t rich today, so they have nothing to protect.  This however, is a fallacious argument, because a pre-nup protects your future earning potential as well as anything you enter the marriage with.  As many people marry young, before their careers have hit high-gear and before they have the opportunity to accrue many assets, they neglect to get a pre-nup.  They are selling themselves short however, as they have yet to meet their potential.  The implication of disregarding the pre-nup option in the case where neither of you has significant assets yet, is that you are a loser with no money now, and will always be one, so there is no need to protect your future assets.  One has to question the judgment of a woman who would marry a man she truly believes will never make anything of himself.  Most self-respecting women wouldn’t, and thereby if she doesn’t want to get a pre-nup before marrying you, it’s because she wants to have the option of raiding your treasure chest if things don’t work out down the line.

Pre-nups are divorce insurance.  Most financially savvy people with a job have health, car and homeowners insurance because they want to protect their major investments.  This is advisable and sensible, however many then neglect to protect their most important asset of all, their earning potential, which is arguably the single most important thing to take away from a financially devastating event like a divorce.  Without it, you won’t be able to recover.  If your woman is telling you that you don’t need a pre-nup, she is telling you two important pieces of information: that she doesn’t intend to make more of her career than you do of yours, i.e. you will be expected to bring home the bacon, and that she wants the guarantee of access to your earnings.  She holds the insurance policy if you will.  It is a lot like having a high-value life insurance policy she could collect on, even if she offed you herself.

But wait, your girlfriend wouldn’t do that to you would she?  She must be one of the exceptions who is marrying for love and will martyr herself on love’s alter should things turn out badly.  She’d just up and walk away from it without retribution no matter how badly it ended right?  After all, the story goes that women are the faithful and noble ones and men are the dogs right?  While I could see someone being vindictive if they are cheated on, in a no-fault divorce, infidelity is not grounds for divorce, nor for bending one’s spouse over the barrel.  Cheating sucks and is hurtful, but does not guarantee financial compensation.  Its not the same as running someone over in your car.  Its not a prosecutable injury, and there should be no cash windfall associated with it.  In any case she loves you and doesn’t care a whit about the money.  Her protestations about the pre-nup are simply because it would “spoil the romance.”  Women are far too enlightened to view love and relationships in such a crude light as through the lens of the logic of a cost/benefits analysis aren’t they?  After all, that’s the reason they are constantly hounding you to get married.  Because they love you sooo much and would never turn on you.  It’s not for the security of a guaranteed payday provided by the ability to flog you vindictively upon the dissolution of the marriage.  It’s not because the only real difference is that they can now call the shots and if you don’t like it they can walk away with your manhood and your present and future earnings.  It can’t be because it gives them the ultimate trump card to beat you over the head with and control the relationship, nooo, it’s all about the love.

Or is it?  Below are the results of three polls found on the potentially slanderous website womansavers.com.  The site, whose raison d’etre is ostensibly to protect women from the big bad male by providing a place for women to “rate” men on their desirability as a dating partner.  Apparently you can go on there and denigrate whomever you wish without any sort of vetting of the information, or protection of their privacy.  Fortunately I am not listed.  One might wish to google their own name and check on this site to ensure you aren’t being misrepresented or defamed.  Yet another reason not to take them home or even tell them your real name unless you get to know and trust them.  Certainly don’t tell it to your one-nighters.  Incidentally gents, why not hijack this bitch and rate the loser women you’ve dated.  Just be honest, it’s the right thing to do.  If she nagged, pressured you to marry, is a cold fish in the sack, or raked you over the coals in a divorce, do the fella’s a favor and put her in the system.  We men want to avoid the losers as much as the gals do.

Anyhow, to get back to the point here are the three polls.  I find them a particularly powerful mirror to hold up to the American woman when taken together.

First, their consensus opinion of the character of men:

Do men have more or less morality when it comes to values, character, and integrity , then they did five years ago?
Much less	5253 votes (84%)
Somewhat less	476 votes (8%)
Seems like those characters no longer matter	328 votes (5%)
They have more now	213 votes (3%)

Not very flattering huh?  But then women’s view of the importance of marriage belies them:

Ladies, do you still believe in the institution of marriage?
Yes, strongly	7025 votes (82%)
Yes, but only if you plan on having children	267 votes (3%)
No, I’ve seen/had enough bad experience to not want to get married	819 votes (10%)
No, I’d rather just live together	485 votes (6%)

Clearly a preponderance of women think marriage is highly important.  Must be all that love they feel.  Clearly they place a high importance on monogamous commitment right?  They couldn’t be the female equivalent of the “dogs” men are made out to me could they, because after all, women are the moral paragons of virtue compared to we neanderthal men, no doubt.

Ladies, would you ever cheat?
Yes, if I could get away with it	3597 votes (45%)
Yes, but I’d feel guilty	957 votes (12%)
No, I have too much respect for my partner	1849 votes (23%)
No, cheating is immoral	1507 votes (19%)

But wait, what’s this?  More than half of women would cheat by their own admission?  Right, and it’s men’s character that has been eroded in the past five years.

As you can clearly see, women are just as cold-hearted in analyzing the benefits of marriage, and they advocate it not because they are “feelin’ the love” so much more than we men, but rather because in America the benefits of marriage clearly accrue to women.  They are just trying to get you on board without protecting yourself because it puts them in the driver’s seat and takes away your power and self determination.  Trust me, women who have trust funds or other assets to protect unequivocally demand pre-nups before marriage.  You would be a fool to do otherwise, if you insist on marriage.  Don’t let the wool be pulled over your eyes and protect your interests; nobody else is going to do it for you.