Alpha Dominance

This post is the first in a series to lay out the basic explanatory framework assumed in my work, in order to address topics raised in a comment by reader Anette on this post. I am not doing this to pick on her and I will not tolerate uncharitable comments toward her.  In calling attention to her I am also giving her admin moderated immunity from comments not on topic or personal attacks in this forum, a rare exception to my normal policy of allowing all non-spam comments through.  Like her, I think many readers would benefit from a big-picture view of the subject of Ev. Psych. as it applies to game and social interaction.

Moreover this post is my attempt to aggregate critical information derived from several scientific disciplines relating to ev. psych. theories and to present them in the context of social dynamics and game.  I will be adding much of this first post to my philosophy page to enlighten new initiates to Alpha game  the necessary background.  My impression is that Anette, like many others, is genuine and interested in debating these topics, but lacks the experience with ev. psych. to see the context for and validity of some of the principles such as hypergamy which while we may wish to deny them for sundry reasons, are strongly, perhaps irrefutably supported by both scientific research and anecdotal observation.  Clearly what I assume as fundamental is predicated on the scientific method, which while not infallible, theorizes and accepts as fact the consensus views of the experts in the field as the accepted explanation for a problem.  These would be theories, which in hard sciences are based on repeatable observations.  I assume you accept the scientific method and its conclusions as fact, even where the conclusions may be uncomfortable or distasteful.  I assume we can understand that generalizations are not absolute and should be understood as being comprised of a spectrum of individuals distributed around the mean.  I presume you accept the theory of evolution and that we are beings evolved from animals and possessing the biological legacies that arise from this. In reading posts addressing one principle of ev. psych. in isolation, it is obviously more difficult to see the validity and importance of our biology and inherited drives and behaviors in influencing our actions.  Here I will flesh out much of the background necessary to view the more targeted posts in the correct context.  The ev. psych. perspective provides one philosophical framework for the interpretation of human behavior and interaction and it is scientifically derived which lends validity to its conclusions.  Hereafter I will make the case for this interpretive framework as a lens through which to view human interaction, and a matrix into which other posts fit.  Students of game and social dynamics will recognize the validity and utility of ev. psych. principles, but many readers struggle with viewing human behavior in these terms because the objective and reductionist viewpoint often challenges our cherished beliefs about ourselves, and forces us to face some uncomfortable truths about human nature.  

Like the uncomfortable truth or not, however, the principles of ev. psych. do lend critical insight into human behavior and incorporating the principles oneself generates demonstrable results.  Objectivity is key to gaining the perception necessary to comprehend the motives behind and accurately predict the outcomes of social exchanges.  More generally, accepting the world as it is, as evidenced by observable phenomena (the scientific method), yields some surprising information, which unsurprisingly often conflicts with our preferred self-images and beliefs we prefer to hold about ourselves both individually and as a species.  Brutal honesty is crucial if we are to hack away at our denial of the world as it is and move beyond our preconceived notions to get at the universal truth.  Deliberately accepting our fallibility and the influence of our evolved responses that conflict with out cultural values, frees us to see the world clearly, a prerequisite for understanding, and ultimately influencing social interactions intentionally.  This process of discovery is not always pretty, but it is liberating and it does force us to face our demons and in so doing, to accept our darker side and impulses.  In admitting our human predispositions for better or worse, and moving beyond value judgments, we learn tolerance for ourselves and for others, or empathy.

A frequent objection to this view is the idea that we are enlightened beings, as humans intrinsically different from other animals and freed of the impulse based instinctual behaviors that originate in the reptilian brain outside of conscious control.  Collectively we have bought into the pretty myth that we are fully in conscious control of all of our behaviors and choices.  Not only is this an inaccurate view, but it breeds intolerance of fundamentally human mistakes, things we morally disapprove of, yet which evolution favors, such as infidelity.  When you realize that the role of conscious will in individual choice is not absolute but rather is frequently superseded by our inherited animal natures and drives, you gain insight into human choices.  For instance, for the most part we disapprove of infidelity and it is easy to project the scarlet letter onto others, and judge their indiscretions harshly.  If we buy into the idea that they chose to cheat because they are fundamentally flawed, or malicious, or “that type of girl/guy,” it is easy to say they are just bad or selfish people and feel superior ourselves.  Such a polarized black and white view may make us feel superior, may reinforce our own sense of immunity to such failings, but is misguided.  There are no “types” who are fundamentally cheaters.  For instance I’m sure we can all agree a substantial portion of the population have engaged in infidelity and it’s not worth quibbling about the percentages here, but rationally it would be ludicrous to presume that these folks all entered their relationships with the conscious intent to cheat and so dismiss them as incorrigible philanderers through and through.  A select few borderline sociopaths may fit this description, but the vast majority of adulterers had the best intentions and the same values as the rest of us, but along the way something happened and they made a mistake, they lost control of their actions.  Maybe their relationship was on the rocks and their inhibitions lowered through alcohol and the opportunity presented itself and they succumbed to a moment of weakness.  For this instant their biological drives trumped their consciously held volition.  For some the temptation and guilt keeps them quiet and maybe continuing the affair, but for the majority the result is feelings of guilt and self recrimination and they suffer in silence but the return to monogamy in their relationship.  These people aren’t fundamentally flawed or any different than the rest of us who may not have engaged in infidelity.  They didn’t set out to act contrary to their values, and thus their indiscretion results in powerful cognitive dissonance.  Their denial and rejection of this aspect of themselves and their failure to accept the human universality of their condition creates a need to fabricate reasons for their behavior.  We all need to feel good about ourselves, and if we believe our actions are strictly consciously determined, and they are not congruent with our self-image, we either descend in a spiral of self-loathing or a spate of rationalization to fabricate an explanation to preserve our self-image.  Since they cling to the view that adulterers are bad, yet they have a powerful psychological need to see themselves as an intrinsically good person, they must find a way to avoid personal accountability for their action and to assign the blame elsewhere.  They may rationalize that their partner is uncaring, or drove them to it for instance, a common response.  Personal accountability for ones actions for better or worse is inconsistent with maintaining their denial, for if they accept responsibility for their actions, in their view it means they are a bad person, which would elicit an unacceptable condition of psychological dissonance.  Their world-view in being based on the denial of the facts of the human condition, precludes congruency between their actions and beliefs.  Thus, so long as they deny the validity and universality of their action, regardless of their consciously held values, they cannot admit responsibility for their action.  Since they cannot accept it in themselves, they will be unwilling to admit it to their partner and will hide it in shame, thus eliminating any chance at the intimacy, honesty, integrity and accountability necessary for a healthy relationship.  Worse, they will often project the blame onto their partner in their attempts to rationalize their unacceptable action and maintain a positive self image.  This state spells the death knell of the relationship whether the truth ever comes out or not.  Worse, denial of such failings in oneself, or even denial of the potential we all have to make such a mistake, fosters the hypocrisy of condemning others for mistakes we ourselves have made or may make.  Living in a world of smoke and mirrors that we construct around our denials of truth fosters a false sense of self worth at the expense of our character, integrity and perceptiveness.  This same dynamic applies to any cherished belief which is contrary to the reality borne out by countless human lives and observable to those who eradicate the veils of self-delusion and join the actual world of human experience.  Like lies cascade out of control and require disproportionate effort to maintain, a world-view inconsistent with human experience not only makes one myopic and self absorbed, but takes ever greater effort to maintain.

A scientific approach forces us to face these issues head-on.  In infidelity, like in so many of the aspects of human experience, we all have the potential to be “that type.”  Whether we end up engaging in an action contrary to our values of not, accepting the possibility affords us the freedom, insight and maturity to be accountable for our actions, to see that good people make mistakes, that despite our fallibility we are not irredeemable.  The ability to see ourselves as potentially being in such a situation despite our intent and values, softens our judgment and is a precondition for avoiding cognitive dissonance and thereby accepting ourselves and others despite our failings.  It moves us toward living in the world as it is, not as we wish it would be, and empowers us to become more forgiving and compassionate of others, and ultimately to read and predict others successfully.  Further, it fosters our own enlightenment and the ability to separate our judgment of people from their actions, to see them holistically and ultimately to love others more unconditionally despite their failings.  I would argue that this is a critical prerequisite to those desiring to undertake a fulfilling and committed lifelong relationship.  Crucial traits for successful long term relationships, and incidentally also necessary for any genuine human relationship and which must be present in the true Alpha or any enlightened person for that matter are: strength, openness, intimacy, honesty, accountability, compassion, empathy, tolerance, character, integrity, understanding, forgiveness, caring and perceptiveness, among others.  At other times I will address other reasons this fundamental approach is necessary, but for the present topic suffice it to say that self acceptance despite our mistakes is necessary for confidence and esteem.  Admitting and being accountable for our mistakes, honestly admitting our failings and owning them, particularly when they conflict with our values, is a sign of respect for others, is necessary for intimacy and trust, and are critical in maintaining the respect of a partner or friend.  They communicate all the right things and must be present in any grown man (mature, self actualized person) if he is to call himself such.  If we eradicate denial, and accept our own limitations, we can forgive ourselves and others for our failings, judging whether they(we) deserve forgiveness based on their character and their intent when transgressions occur.  For my money, a partner who slips up and cheats, but who comes clean and confesses, and whose intent and conduct thereafter are of one who regrets and is sorry for their error, but who is accountable for it, is the individual of integrity who is deserving of consideration for forgiveness.  The way such a lapse is handled tells the real story.  Holding ourselves and others to false and frequently unattainable ideals misses the point and results their deceptiveness and when discovered your vengefulness and retaliation.  It fosters the absence of intimacy, compassion, forgiveness and understanding, and breeds hypocrisy, blame, and leads ultimately to divorce.  It ignores a persons overall character and reduces them to a single action and legitimizes vilifying them when they may otherwise be a good person.  It is a low-minded and puerile response, and it is anathema to a healthy long-term relationship.  Personal growth and evolution, which are necessary both for understanding others and social intelligence, as well as developing the power of frame, magnetism of charisma, self control, character and integrity which are prerequisites to becoming the true Alpha male, a leader of men.

Men who undertake this journey can learn social intelligence, and acquire the charisma to become irresistible not only to women but all others.  While they may come to this path via game, the need to gain access to women to satisfy the most fundamental human need beyond survival, the toolbox of skills they acquire are much more broadly applicable in life and will lead to successes elsewhere such as in their career.  They learn to apply the principles mechanically at first, but if they persist ultimately they move beyond “routines” and even the direct pursuit of poon to a path of personal cultivation which is it’s own goal and which attraction of women is a side effect rather than the goal.  A man who masters the social game and garners respect, power and resources need not pursue women, they pursue him.  As he becomes a true Alpha male, women make themselves available to him without effort, and the more indifferent his is, the more they go wild.  This is hypergamy in action and evidence of the fact that for women the ultimate aphrodisiac is the man with respect and resources.  All women would prefer the top 10% of men if they have the qualities to attract them.  Lower caliber men must pursue, woo and even supplicate to get the same access as women freely throw at say, Tiger Woods.  This is understandable in genetic terms, as a woman’s offspring may be better provided for by sharing a top rank male than they would by exclusivity with a lower ranking male.  In genetic terms, the resources available to a woman’s offspring will determine her mating decisions.  Further a son of an Alpha male can comprise a genetic jackpot to a woman if he has his father’s irresistible traits. They can learn the algorithm and internalize it and come to accept women as they are.  So much so in fact, that women are often willing to engage in flings with Alpha males knowing they won’t be able to elicit his support and thus assuming the risk of raising the offspring alone.  If it is male and like his father, he can do far more to propagate her genes in future generations than any beta male or daughter.  This is further evidenced by the fact that women in relationships with the classic beta chump are much more likely to have affairs with and conceive with Alpha males, indeed they are even more attracted to them during their fertile phase when conception is possible.  Men who choose the path of the Alpha can turn the black box of the female psyche into a solvable puzzle.  They will obtain the peace and contentment that accompanies control of one’s own destiny and the means to satisfy primal and universal human needs.  In the process they become more attractive to women, they become the type of man that women want and are satisfied with.  Ultimately, far from being manipulative and predatory as is often asserted by the moronically reactionary individuals desperately clinging to their denial, gaining this insight makes a man a better and happier man and thereby makes for happier women.  Peripheral Alpha benefits are attaining an internal locus of control and self-esteem and thus command of your own mental state, which is a topic for another post but a critical Alpha attribute.

Furthermore, a scientific and linear approach appeals to men.  The reason most men have difficulty with women is that what comes more naturally to women, reading others and consciously influencing social interactions, is not an innate male trait.  Men are often confounded by women because they not only lack an understanding of the fundamental biological differences between the genders respective motives and psychology, but also lack an innate proficiency for reading others and have difficulty with empathy which is critical to intuiting other’s motives.  What is self-evident to women must be learned by men.  Thus young men tend to be too direct and unsophisticated in perceiving the subtleties and nuanced layers of meaning implicit in female behavior and worse expect women to be like them.  We men tend to be linear and direct.  We say what we mean and often lack tact.  When we error in projecting this male mentality onto women we encounter endless rejection and frustration.  Women are unpredictable from the male perspective, and often far less linear and thus seem as a black box to men.  A given input will generate different outputs with no obvious rhyme or reason.  When by chance we experience a success, we presume we have found the formula, the algorithm that works.  We presume if we simply find the right formula and apply it consistently, we will have discovered the Rosetta stone for the female psyche and will finally be able to get consistent results with women.  Sadly most men spend their entire lives in the delusion that if they just find that one formula for success they will be able to consistently get the results they desire without effort.  The flaw with the view that women are linear and direct like men, is that in our myopia we can come to view women’s stubborn refusal to respond like a man as being willfully difficult or malicious.  If we continue down this path, our failings with women, we conclude must be because we are undesirable and irreparably flawed so we fixate on inane things that in our denial we decide must be the reasons why we are unsuccessful, i.e. too fat, bald, fugly, short or whatever.  These however are mere excuses.  A man’s naiveté and frustration at repeated rejections can often come to blame himself and he descends in a spiral of insecurity and overly solicitous behavior.  He either becomes embittered and hateful toward women for their stubborn refusal to behave as he considers sensible (his way/the male way) or in his insecurity he feels that he must be nicer to women in the hopes that if he’s a nice and giving enough person (doormat), if he just supplicates her enough, demonstrating low value, she will overlook his lack of self worth and become attracted toward him.  Often elements of both of these exist in these socially and biologically ignorant men who comprise the majority of (particularly young) men and most lack the insight and gumption to gain the maturity and experience to move beyond this phase.  These comprise the legion “nice guys” out there following the crush of the day around like a puppy in the delusion that worshiping her will bring her to overlook the disparity in their relative social values/confidence levels so she might deign to be with one who is “beneath her.”

Well guys, I have news for you, while women aren’t ever going to “see the light” and come to be just like men (thankfully), nor will they suddenly have an epiphany leading them to throw themselves at you for consistently indicating you don’t consider yourself worthy by every action you make, you can learn to understand the factors that inform female decision making and why their choices make sense for them, you can come to appreciate women for how they are.  You can gain an edge in your interactions with them and a degree of logical and linear correlation between your social and behavioral inputs and the desired outputs (her seeing you as genetically desirable) as well as an understanding of what they find attractive.   While humans are complex and there is never one absolute algorithm that will provide certainty in the outputs, we are also governed essentially by the same evolutionary behavioral playbook.  Our inherited drives and impulses, our so called animal natures, are largely universal among humans and sensible/decipherable if you gain a working knowledge of science and ev. psych.  As such the linearity and predictability men yearn for is applicable to their quest to enter the mind of the female, to learn the way of the courtier, the language of nuance, and ambiguity, and influence.  This is critical if they must learn this via their conscious minds, rather than possessing the ability instinctively as do women.  There is nothing wrong with this.  It is no more manipulative than the calculated actions women take in trying to attract a man or elicit a behavior from him, nor is it any more disingenuous or false/deceptive than a woman wearing makeup or dying her hair.  In fact it is arguably more genuine as these men are cultivating themselves and incorporating changes that go beyond an act to genuine personal change and development.  Who they were is no longer relevant because they are not phony’s posing as Alpha, but have become Alpha by integrating these lessons and principles into their being and psyche.  They are truly the self made man who has become that which he desired to be through will and gumption and self-discipline.  In time he won’t have to try to calculate or read people, but will naturally garner their support and respect.

Finally, another objection is the “not me, maybe everyone else is subject to these paradigms but not me, I’m different.”  It is our hubris to assume our individuality precludes the predictive power of our biology, drives and common humanity.  While men and women both populate a spectrum of competence in any given ability, our similarities far outweigh individual differences, giving the student of ev. psych. potent predictive power in analyzing human behavior, motivations and impulses.  The more fundamental and evolutionarily adaptive a behavior is, the more universal and consistent it will be in spite people’s conscious beliefs, and the more predictive a biological interpretive framework will be.  What this approach lacks in mathematical certainty, it makes up for in results.  It is a linear framework that approaches the algorithmic understanding of social dynamics sought by the male psyche and that is intuitive and communicable.  It can be taught and learned and applied and it addresses the deepest need men have, the admiration of and sexual appeal to desirable women.  All proponents of game, all successful approaches to this problem in existence, essentially derive from and apply ev. psych principles whether they put it in scientific terms or not.  Students of game apply them and all dating systems hawked online incorporate these principles and they empower men and women alike to improve themselves and pursue happiness.  Recognition of our nature helps us see ourselves and others more clearly and further to attain a degree of empathy that is required to understand others.  Recognition of the validity and logic of the other gender’s innate qualities, their nature and drives and the complex calculus that informs their reproductive/relationship choices, allows you to accept them as they are and live in the world that is rather than what you wish it should be.  It will make you more perceptive and successful in human interaction, more charismatic to others, and frees you of the handicap of the perpetual frustration of a lack of acceptance that the world doesn’t conform to your preferences or rationales.  It eliminates a great deal of wasted effort obsessing about things one cannot change or maintaining some untenable state of denial and it liberates you from the travesty of ceding control of your mental state to circumstances outside your control, the ultimate defeat.